Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
