My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He has the fingertips of a God
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