I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
