Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
