ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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