Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
