No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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