i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
