You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
