Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
