why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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