Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
