It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
