when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
