Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
