I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
