you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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