dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
