Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it glows. i had to have it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
