oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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