just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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