his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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