we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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