How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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