he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's blow job season.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
