then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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