i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
