I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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