i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I understand Curling. That high.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
