My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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