I faked an abortion last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
