even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
