She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
