Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
