I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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