He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
