She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
