Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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