The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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