my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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