I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
