Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
