We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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