you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
