Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
dude. I can hear the air.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
