i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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