Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
