I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
