One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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