I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I touched a dick in church today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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